Monday, November 15, 2010

Autocorrect My Life

These days our smartphones are so very smart that they can actually have blonde moments. Sure, the little doohickeys seem to be working well. The pixels are all pixeling; the diodes are all dioding; the chips are all...chipping. Unfortunately, that smart phone is too smart for its, and more importantly our, own good. Brain fart...and that pimp superphone just autocorrected your ass.

The future is more or less now...and nothing like we expected it to be. Decades ago we all imagined flying cars, phasers, and monorails atop our floating cities. What we got was an economy that couldnt afford any of that even if we could build it. So we settle for gadgets, little personal reminders that we live in the world of Only, Capt Kirk would be texting Scotty to beam back up to the ship. And its more than likely that Scotty would beam Kirk into the middle of the sun ... all because that stupid communicator autocorrected his text message.

'Scotty! It's Kirk! We're being attacked by the Klingons! Beam us back to the sun!! Shit!! Scotty...wait ... ship...not sun!!! NOT SUN!!!! ... ttyl.'

The Autocorrect ruins lives. I've made more than a few Freudian slips when it just happened to kick in once when I was texting a girlfriend. At least she thought they were Freudian slips. Hell, who knows? Apparently my smart phone was doing the thinking for me.

I'm beginning to wonder about the Autocorrect Effect. Think about it. If the phones Autocorrect because they were programmed to 'expect' or 'anticipate' certain words or word combinations, then how different is that really from other expectations in life?

I for one feel 'Autocorrected' all the time in my life. I'm always being prejudged for something I'm not going to do anyway. And I'm always being reminded of how I was or should be thinking or feeling by people who are obviously experts when it comes to my personal thoughts and feelings. Again...there go the relationships! poof!

Actually. That explains a lot.

The women in my life have been programmed by society to anticipate that all I'm interested in is sex. No...that's a typo! But it's too late and the message was sent by first wave feminists and sexist commercial propaganda. Poor me. Poor everyman. Lets all just give up and live down to those worst expectations!

What 'type' am I? Well...if I spelled it out it would say one thing. But once everyone around me 'Autocorrected' me, I suppose I wouldnt recognize the message that I was sending either.

We're all getting Autocorrected. Maybe enlightenment is the art of not Autocorrecting the original message. Hmm...I hope that message doesnt get Autocorrected. Maybe I'm really onto hamburger.

... No! 'Something!' Not 'hamburger'. Damn... see!!?

I wonder what would have happened had holy books been Autocorrected...

'In the beginning...Fish created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was wife's form and bulls.' - the Bible...Autocorrected.

Would we all be worshipping fish now? Which wife?? What fucking bulls!!!???

Another good question is just what have we Autocorrected in our lexicon of human history? Maybe Alexander wasnt so great. Maybe Alexander was grouchy or late or something. 'Hey look! It's that damned Alexander. Always late everywhere he goes. Alexander the ...


I guess it could work to my advantage now that I think of it. After all, I have been the real architect of my own destruction. Perhaps a lucky stroke of Autocorrect will serve the whims of providence one day and secure my place in those hallowed halls of personal greatness.

Scott Fish. The Creator.

1 comment:

Green Eyes said...

I like this. A lot. :)

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