Wednesday, June 16, 2010

My Evil Plans

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To no one's surprise...I have decided to take over the world...effective immediately.

Therefore it is necessary for me to post this message to my subjects. In keeping to the spirit of True Evil...I will make my Evil Plans known...

1. Lady Gaga works for me. I call her..."Weapon Gaga." It is her responsibility to stimulate the masses and shock the media into general submission. As millions favor her with their attention...my Evil Plans continue to unfold...

Even now "Weapon Gaga" is touring the world. She is catchy...she is viral...she is all part of my Master Plan.

Muhahahaha!

2. The massive gulf oil spill has nothing to do with British Petroleum. It is the work of my ex girlfriend and arch nemesis... "@#$%ing @#$ch! Girl". Once again, she shows herself to be heartless and insensitive...which is undoubtedly what drew me to her.

3. President Obama is a Muppet made of Sham Wow. He is adorable enough to be loved. He is absorbent enough to shrug off the most ardent critics.

4. I have been personally dictating President Obama's foreign policies with a dartboard. There are a lot of recent holes in Israel, China and Mexico.

5. I am a merciful merciless dictator. There will be a Global Happy Hour. Misery will continue as usual before and after. But hey...it's five o'clock somewhere.

6. All attractive women worldwide must surrender themselves to me at once. The most attractive women will form my 'Girlstapo.'

My 'Girlstapo.'

My 'Girlstapo' will lead my new world into the future. Who wants Big Brother...when you can have Big Sister? And so many of them? We will build private clubs...poolside retreats. And they will compliment me on my hair and style of dress.

7. 'He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins.' So I am buying Hasbro, Mattel and Fisher Price. Take that!

8. All movies will be remakes starring Dane Cook and one of those plastic guys from 'Twilight.'

9. The Palm Tree will be the new National Symbol. Surfing will be mandatory for all scantily clad young women. But it must be Evil Surfing.

10. Mowing the lawn will replace baseball as the new National Pastime.

11. Every now and then, DVR recording will cut the last 5 minutes off the endings of the shows you were going to watch. Muhahah. Evil.

12. "Weapon Gaga" will train babies in the deadly art of 'Goo Foo.' My baby army will rule the cities with an iron...with a firm...with a ... hmm.

13. The One World Religion will involve quotable scenes from 'Talladega Nights', 'The Godfather,' 'Dogma' and outtakes from 'Smokey and the Bandit.'

14. The largest Big Screen TV in existence will be attached to the Moon. Reruns of 'Xena Warrior Princess' will play as often as I choose. I alone will possess the Remote Control. Muhahaha.

15. Each and every day will be some kind of Concert Festival, Auto Race or Fashion Show. Every third Wednesday there will be Fashion Concert Racing.

16. Forthwith, the Nuclear Weapons Programs of the world will be managed by Mediacom Cable. Service is expected to be slow, unreliable, incredibly expensive and repair calls will require days of waiting.

17. A square peg....in a round hole.

18. I'm buying an Evil Dog. 'Mr. Grouchy.' And there is just no point in housebreaking an Evil Dog.

Bad Dog? Indeed!


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