Wednesday, May 19, 2010

My Review of 'Every Movie Ever Made...Ever.'


When I first saw the trailers for Every Movie I was a little excited actually. The action looked good, the villain looked scary and the girl was hot. It annoyed me that they showed too much in the preview though. After all, I'd rather see the movie in two hours instead of two minutes. That way, I can really enjoy stuff getting blown up, baddies getting beaten and girls getting... know...gotten.

So here's the straight dope. Every Movie wasnt great. But Every Movie wasnt bad either. I'd been looking forward to Every Movie ever since those trailers I grimaced at. I had already heard the pre screen critical buzz. I was surprised by how many bad early reviews there were. I know the anticipation has been pretty good. Because of this divide, I simply chose to ignore the critics and find out for myself. So I made the premiere with seconds to spare, popcorn and soda in hand...and an angry boyfriend at my side because I had just taken his girlfriend's seat.

I'm fond of the Actor's work. He's a solid lead and he's been in a lot of other movies. I especially liked him in That One Movie. He brings a realism to Every Movie. But I guess I owe a lot of that to the cinematic staging and the cool cgi environments.

What can be said about the Actress in Every Movie? Two words. She's Hot! No. I'm not talking girl next door hot so much as the girl down the street hot. You know...that one girl that I used to bother with poems in class, origami animals and midnight harmonica serenades. That girl. I know that Every Movie played up her sexiness just to get me into the theatre...but it worked!

Every Movie wasnt much of a surprise. I think that I had seen most of the best parts of it in the trailer. But it had it's moments...


To begin with, there was a lot of early drama between the Guy and the Girl (played by the Actor and the Actress). They just couldnt see eye to eye. I could feel the palpable conflict from the start and something in me was tugging for certain resolution from the get go. Movie mojo I guess.

As if all of the tension between the Guy and the Girl wasnt enough - broken up only by the periodic and welcome appearance of the Buddy - the plot took a left turn when the Villain (played masterfully, albeit a bit over the top, by the Other Actor) showed up to put his plans into motion. Maybe I was momentarily sympathetic to the Villain for some reason, but I liked him more than I should have.

However, the Villain's plans certainly didnt agree with the Guy. Soon the suspense transformed into raw action and there were so many explosions on the screen that my hair was singed. When things looked up for the Buddy, I was saddened by his departure. I lost all of my sympathy for the Villain then. The Guy was right. And I was on his side.

Halfway through the movie, my faith that the Guy and the Girl would get together was shaken when something happened that one of them was unaware of forcing the other to think the very worst. It was a popcorn eating moment for me in the theatre. Thankfully, I had that boyfriend's hand to hold.

There was a chase and for the moment the Villain got the upper hand. But the Girl's heart belonged to the Guy and I sat in that theatre darkness with my eyes fixed on the passionate onscreen lovemaking between the two. More popcorn...and maybe a sniffle.

I think I saw a nipple.

All things must come to an end and that goes for Every Movie as well. With the Girl mixed up in the middle of it all, the Guy and the Villain faced off at last. It was a pretty spectacular climax for this movie at least. There was an exchange of words and I just cant forget that One Line the Guy said when victory was near. When the dust had settled, the Villain was defeated soundly. But I could see that the Guy was changed somehow. The Guy would never be the same.

Still, he had the love of the Girl. I had learned something along the way and I left with a feeling of general satisfaction.

Is Every Movie worth seeing? I think you'll have to do what I did and just go see for yourself.


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