Monday, May 17, 2010

Life GPS

Driving around the city the other day and relying on my trusty GPS for directions, it began to occur to me what a wonderful little device GPS really is. I really dont know how I ever lived without it before. I recall years of scrambling at the wheel with enormous paper maps that I have never been able to fold back. I suppose that those maps are still out there somewhere...unfolded...

...chaos.

You dont get lost with GPS unless it is on the fritz or something. Whenever you cant find your way you simply type in your destination and voila! Your GPS takes you where you want to go.

I wish that life could be so simple. Like a lot of people I think that I'm responsible for most of my own problems. There's no doubt that I have made a lot of 'wrong turns' over the years. Wouldnt it be great if Life could have a GPS guiding the way?...

Lets say Tom walks into a bar. He looks across the crowded room exploring it with his gaze for any sign of interest from the women he sees. Normally, Tom might be challenged by this setup. How can he know just what to do? Tom is playing with fire.

Not anymore. Tom has Life GPS.

Tom: GPS. Find me a girl.
GPS: Thank you Tom. Destination...girl. Correct?
Tom: Yes.
GPS: There is a girl wearing a white shirt and a miniskirt standing by the far corner of the bar. Proceed directly.
Tom: On it!
GPS: You have missed your destination. Turn around.
Tom: Um. Going to the restroom first.
GPS: Have some balls Tom.
Tom: No. I just need to...
GPS: Tom. Turn around and talk to the girl in the miniskirt. No Tom. Not the girl in the flowery blouse. Tom?
Tom: I'm crashing here!!
GPS: Tom. Proceed to the girl in the white shirt and the miniskirt. Stop talking to the girl in the flowery blouse. She's no good for you Tom.
Tom: She's hot.
GPS: The girl in the miniskirt isnt high maintenance.
Tom: ok ok.
GPS: Good Tom. You have reached your destination. Smile and introduce yourself.
Tom: Hi. I'm Tom.
GPS: Tom. Compliment her or say something interesting.
Tom: Uh...that's a nice white shirt you have on. I'll bet its comfortable ... except when its wet, then its probably...
GPS: No Tom! Stop! Ask her a question.
Tom: So. Did you buy that white shirt because its comfortable?
GPS: Tom. Try to be a gentleman.

GPS is something that we all need. Not just Tom. And there are just so many situations in which Life GPS could come in handy. What about on the job?...

Mark is an advertising executive. He has arrived late for the big meeting once again. His boss isnt too pleased with him...

Mark: GPS. Save my job.
GPS: Thank you Mark. Destination Job. Correct?
Mark: Yup.
GPS: Proceed to Calvin Linkletter's desk and start screaming at him and waving your arms.
Mark: On it...."Damn you Calvin Linkletter!!"
GPS: Blame Linkletter for not preparing your reports on time. Tell him that you're fed up with his poor performance and that you cant cover for him anymore.
Mark: "That's it Linkletter!! No more of this BS!"
GPS: Turn around. Smile at your boss and give him a thumbs up.
Mark: "Got it boss! No problem!"
GPS: Destination reached.

Isnt Life GPS just great!? There's almost nothing that it cannot do. I'm not saying you should let Life GPS choose your religion or anything. I guess you could. But that sort of guidance is elusive in the best conditions. And it would probably cost a lot more.

I'd keep things down to earth. Sally has been wondering what to do to save her marriage. Her husband Pete has been going out too much recently and she would like some answers ... or a solution.

Sally turns to Life GPS...

Sally: GPS. I want to know what to do about Pete.
GPS: Thank you Sally. Destination Pete Issues? Correct.
Sally: Yes GPS. Lead on.
GPS: Sally. Proceed to the bottom drawer in your bedroom dresser and open the shoebox.
Sally: Ok.
GPS: Check the sock and you'll find Pete's secret cell phone.
Sally: Pete IS cheating on me!! Life GPS what should I do!?
GPS: There is a gun in the office desk drawer and a phonebook in the kitchen. I can help you hide a body or pick a solid divorce attorney. Destination?
Sally: The office!! ... wait. The kitchen. The office? The kitchen?
GPS: Sally? Destination.

It's true that in the end, the choices are really up to us. Most of the time we just cant make up our minds. But with the Life GPS maybe we could at least make a good decision...

GPS: Sally. Go get the phonebook.
Sally: Ok. Thanks Life GPS!
GPS: My pleasure Sally.

Life GPS could be that guiding light through our lives. Worry about your future no more! Life GPS has all the answers you need.

Life GPS. Because we all need direction in Life.


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