Friday, February 19, 2010

The Zen Clock

Ten years ago today was a pretty big day for me. It was a bit chilly outside just like today. But even that chilly air was warmed somehow by those particular moments that I was living and experiencing. I felt time passing by in shutter moments. These are memories that live anew with eyes closed. The full moon rose above me in the sky that night. Because that was the day I got married.

Life is change. And in those many years since, my own life has changed much. The girl I married is long gone. And those brash young eyes of mine that looked on her have clouded a bit. Yet these older eyes of mine have seen more and I'm sure, can see more.

Life truly is change. And it requires us to let go of every thrilling moment, every inspired event, every memorable love and in the end, everything and everyone else along with it. We have but the instant itself, the being of it. We can never turn back and never really go home because things have changed in between. Something is different if even just ourselves.

And that's what we're left with...ourselves. And we change most of all. Our experiences widen our perspectives. We learn, adapt, and condition our sense of self along the way, refining our idea of who we believe we are or who we want to be.

Who we want to be? It can be said that we are never so far away from ourselves as when we go looking. Over those ten years I have spent a considerable amount of time looking. Just ask Don Juan what my totem animal is. Or take a gander at one of my tattoos...an angel, a star and a square and compass.

I have never been well defined or, I daresay, fairly described by others. Perhaps it is because my own journey through life has been a personal one. I dont really care if I keep up with the Joneses. I dont really need to win the lottery. And I dont really want to win over anyone.

I know the secret...the universe is perfect. If it wasnt then I suppose that math wouldnt work. You couldnt create the perfect order of math in a mess or describe that mess for that matter with an equation. But we can do that. We can even describe chaotic systems with math. Things work.

The universe is always changing, balancing the equations from moment to moment. Even in its chaos its a clockwork order embracing something of a holy, sublime equilibrium. The problem then isnt the universe.

It's us. It's our minds. They dont really exist. We are the figments of our imagination. And everything else, even our dreams, are more real. There is no yesterday. There is no tomorrow. There is only here...now. But our minds afford us the comfort of an illusion as they try in vain to balance every experience, memory, feeling and thought with everything else whether it happens now...or ten years ago.

This balancing illusion...It is not an evil. It is a fact of nature that is as inherent within our 'minds' as it is without in the world around us. As long as we begin to understand that we are each a part of the greater balance then we can begin to know we are each a part of the 'other.'

Certainly I go about living as anyone else does. I go on about the things in this world of my body and my mind. I try to go with the flow more and allow my life to change without resisting that so much. Change is good. Change is Now. And Now, of course, is Life.

If we can be still for even a moment, this moment, then we can know how balanced or imbalanced in all things that we are. Right now, my appetite is working with my mind to balance my hunger with the thoughts turned reality of a caramel apple. I have an itch on my knee that my hand is reacting to. My heart can feel the memories of past love and loss. And my mind is already preparing for what comes next, anticipating with everything it knows or expects.

As for myself. I am still.

I'm sure we have all seen a lot of change in the past ten years. No equations will assuage our losses. And things dont seem even on the scales of justice. Many of our lives, outside of that 'eye' of stillness feel more like the debris in a hurricane. But we can know with certainty that conditions make the hurricane exist because of an imbalance...and the storm is restoring the order.

There is no time but Now. What is experienced is the heartbeat. The breath. The ebb and flow in the moment. Every moment. Order is coming. Order is being. And there is a beautiful hope therein.

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