Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Frankomputer

I first saw it coming a while back. Surfing the web as I always do for articles on general saintliness, clean living and moral codes, I noticed that my trusty computer was slowing down. It was balking when I clicked, snipping at me when I loaded and outright barking when I installed.

I decided to keep a watchful eye on my computer. We've come to know each other for a fairly long time. Being about three years old, it's somewhere in its seventies in computer years. I couldnt help but see the writing on the screen. And it didnt look good, especially when nestled inside a nice little popup window under the inauspicious title...'Alert! Your Computer is Screwed.'

I dont know just who exactly designed the Virus that infected my poor defenseless desktop, but I can assure you that my helicopters are on the way. In fact, I actually enlisted in the armed forces, made it into Special Forces and I'm on my way to some nerds house harnessed into one of our great nations stealth black choppers. That nerd is goin down. Hard.

The intel is that these nerds spend months writing up Viruses in an effort to enslave a large group of computers, like my own, and use them to SPAM the holy bejeezus out of people with ads for Viagra and penis enlargement. It is their last great effort at trying to be cool so that they wont need either when they pursue that one most elusive thing in their own miserable lives...namely boobs.

Thanks to boobs the rest of us are plagued by scores of computer hackers and Viral monstrosities such as Trojans (see the pattern?), Worms (I mean c'mon) and Rootkits (seriously?). These nefarious critters creep and crawl into your programs, your device drivers and your very soul. They download themselves when you click on that neat picture of boobs that the nerds are obsessed with or, in my case, any picture of the bible. Once installed they send out copies of themselves until your pathetic little machine (your computer you nerd) is completely overrun.

My computer died last week on Wednesday at 3am CST.

Wow. I had to take a breath. That still hurts me.

It wasnt just some fatal error that sent my PC to PC Nirvana. It was a wretched, gut wrenching, abyssal death rattle as Dell struggled in the arms of Death...groaning as it tried to reboot and live...finally dying in hiccoughs as it called for its mother.

I was left in shock, slack jawed and not just a little frustrated at my inability to save my machine. My handy friend from Adopt - A - Nerd (there are apparently good nerds too) had been at my side doing his best to doctor the patient back to health. Honestly, he was as surprised as I was. Whatever Viral evil my computer had died from was unlike anything he had ever seen. Granted my computer got around a little bit. But neither of us expected this.

Somewhere in the dark reaches of the human mind, and I'm talking about my mind and Doctor Nerd's mind...not the mind of a random guy named Alan at 551 Meadows St in Farnsworth Kentucky...a thought begins to take shape that is not quite as human as its host. This was the macabre mental terror that slowly took shape in my and my cohorts minds.

We would rebuild it. It...would live again.

Doctor Nerd went scrambling for parts. The hard drive was a dead organ and we would need another. Combing the carts in moonlit aisles of bits here and pieces there we found a suitable donor. My PCs mind was also a leaking, splintered mess. It would have to be replaced as well.

All the while as we scrounged the dead for parts, we two knew what we were doing was wrong. My PC had died, was dead and that was that. It was meant to be dead. It had lived its natural life and died its horrid preternatural death. We neednt bother with the Makers Manual...it was blasphemy anyway.

We met in secret at the dark of night and summoned up the courage to do our evil work. We saved data, incised and partitioned, installed the new hard drive...the new operating system. We amped up the power and turned on the electricity. There was a flash of light...a death throw or two...a shrill whizzing of arcs, lamps, bulbs and pixels.

We waited...

"Welcome!" came the familiar sound of Windows booting up.

"It's Aliiiiive!!" we cried. "It's Aliiiive!!"

Stillness. It occurred to each of us, the Doctor and I, what exactly we had done...what forces we had unleashed and thumbed our noses at.

All of these things happened a few days ago. The Doctor is missing and there are signs that my computer is 'updating' itself. Every now and then as I lay down to sleep, I glimpse a light in the other room as my computer powers itself on and off completing its healing process...or preparing itself for something. I know not.

Somewhere...over there...waiting in the darkness. Frankomputer lives.


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