Thursday, December 10, 2009

Christmas Elf Interview

Sure I have a lot of projects on my plate lately. There's that relationship drawing board that I'm back to working on. There's wheels and deals that are flying through the ether...landing hither and thither (thither?) on one controversy or another. There are all of those knives that I have to take time to remove from my back. And then there's Christmas to think of.

This Christmas I sat down in the Acid Cowboy Studio and had an enlightening chat with one of Santa's executive level elves...a little guy by the name of Johnny Elf.

Here's the transcript of the Christmas Elf Interview.

SF. Welcome to the Acid Cowboy Podcast. It's December the 9th, 2009. I'm your host Scott Free.

With Christmas around the corner we have a special guest today. It doesnt matter whether you believe or dont believe. What matters is whether you've been naughty or nice. Straight from the North Pole, I'm happy to have Johnny Elf as my guest today.

Hi Johnny. Good to see you.

JE. Hey. It's uh great to be on the show Scott. I appreciate it. I just hope you can validate my parking. That sleigh is a bitch to park and there are laws on that Reindeer poop around here that worry me frankly.

SF. I'm sure we can look into that for you. And here I thought dogs were hard to take care of.

JE. Mmm hmm Mmm hmm Gotcha.

SF. So you made it to the studio today. Do you travel a lot? I mean...other than on Christmas eve.

JE. I dont really make it down here as often as I like. I have a daughter in Fresno who I visit once in a while, and a daughter in DC, and a son...well...we, we elves, we have some kids strung about. But we get around...with that flying sleigh and all.

SF. That flying sleigh has got to take some getting used to. I used to drive a Jeep Wrangler. I thought I got a lot of wind in my hair that way.

JE. Mmm hmm.

SF. Well. Christmas is almost upon us again. I know your time is valuable...and short.

JE. Ha ha ha. That's rich.

SF. Anyway. I'd like to throw a few questions your way. Let's start with the North Pole. What's it like living up there?

JE. Do you have any idea how cold it is up here in the North Pole. I mean seriously. Because, most of us are actually originally from Ireland...then some of the British Elves. We're definitely southerners. And to be up here its just absolutely ridiculous. It's incredibly cold up here. We cant wear enough coats and we have long ears. I mean, you try keeping these ears warm. It's impossible.

SF. I can only imagine. So what do you guys, elves, do during the year, other than Christmas?

JE. In the off season, when we're just kind of goofing off doing elf stuff...uh really, honestly, we like a lot of sports. We play a lot of Reindeer games. And we do a lot of things that normal people do. Face it. It's cold up here. It's dark up here. And the elf girls are lookin good. You know what I'm sayin? You know what I'm sayin? Yeah...we have a good time all the way up to Christmas and then we work a lot. But before that...oh yeah.

SF. Sports huh? I'm bristling with curiousity. Anything else?

JE. People really get the wrong idea about what kinds of movies we watch up here. They think we watch a lot of Christmas movies like 'Its a Wonderful Life.' But actually we watch a lot of mob movies like 'Goodfellas'. You know..."Funny? Funny how?" We love that Joe Pesce stuff. "Dance Spider, dance!" We love that.

SF. You mentioned Reindeer games. Word is, Reindeer arent treated as well up north. Listen to what one of your fellows had to say about their treatment. His voice has been altered to protect his identity. I warn listeners that they might find this disturbing...

(Voice Protected) Well the truth is, we never really take the Reindeer outside to do anything. We just keep them locked up all year long until Christmas Eve. Its terrible. Everybody feels bad about it but the Big Man. It's just one of those kind of things where we just want to take care of Donner and Blitzen and everyone. But it's the cost. It's too expensive. And they end up suffering for it.

SF. That doesnt sound too good Johnny.

JE. Gotcha. We dont exactly get paid to make all of these toys if you know what I'm saying (voice from behind "Slave Labor"). Shhh Dick, we cant say that know what I'm saying.

SF. I take it that conditions at the Pole arent what the public always sees?

JE. Yeah...its not all fun and Reindeer games. That's for sure.

SF. Our source undercover had this to add...

(Voice Protected) We really dont get paid around here. Uh. Sure there's milk and cookies and candy canes. We get a lot of candy canes. But uh. He doesnt pay us. Santa doesnt pay us a thing. We dont get any money. The kids dont pay us anything. You know, they're kids. Even the nice ones...we give em presents. We're not takers, we're givers. But, I dont know, its kind of socialist up here if you wanna ask me. Cause we work for the Man. But we dont get any money. That's for damn sure.

SF. That doesnt sound good either Johnny.

JE. breaks my elven heart. But I'm not a rat. I'm an Elf. An Elf.

SF. Maybe on a lighter note, with Reindeer games in mind... Let's talk Rudolph. Everybody loves Rudolph. "Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer..."

JE. Mmm Hmm

SF. What can you tell us about Rudolph?

JE. Well its odd that Rudolph would become so popular around here. Because back home he actually spent the first few years of his life in quarantine because of that red nose of his. We couldnt figure out whether it was radiation or what. We still find it pretty frightening actually. I mean...that's just weird.

SF. Wow.

JE. The idea that we made fun of Rudolph's nose is really, frankly, ridiculous. I mean actually we were all completely horrified. Nobody had any clue what had happened to him. All of a sudden here is this Reindeer with this bright glowing nose. We were like "oh my god" you know. Had we been dumping all the toxic waste from the toys in the wrong place? I mean heads were gonna roll. That's what I was thinking. Heads were gonna roll.

SF. I guess you could say that's enlightening.

JE. Hahaha.

SF. Before I ask you about Santa, the Big Guy, do you still get letters from all those kids around the world?

JE. That's a problem, because kids dont write letters anymore. They send emails. We had a problem with our computers the other day and lost all of South America. So I really dont know where the toys are gonna go. We have all of these extra toys and I dont know what we're gonna do with em. We're just kinda doin the pot luck thing over here right now.

SF. Speaking of those lovable kids. I've got Tommy, aged 8, on the line for you. Go ahead Tommy, you're on the air.

(Caller Tommy) Hey Mr. Elf.

JE. Yeah yeah...Hi.

(Caller Tommy) Last Christmas I asked for a red bicycle. But Santa didnt bring me a bicycle.

JE. Oh yeah...Tommy! I remember you. We make a list you know. Check it twice. And from what I remember, you were Naughty last year. Read my lips kid...No...Bicycle.

SF. Well now. That's uh...awkward.

JE. Yeah. Sheesh. Kids. They think I'm cute. I'm 500 years old. They think I'm cute.

SF. Christmas is all about Santa. He's going to be flying all across the globe, going down chimneys, eating cookies and giving out good cheer and presents. Any thoughts?

JE. Well you know we really dont go down the chimney anymore. That's an antiquated idea. Its just uh...there's always fires. And most of em are too small anyway. No matter how small we elves are, Santa's huge. He eats a lot of cookies you know. But we basically just break in. We break in through the window. We break in through a lot of ways. We use a lot of lights. Some people are thinking that we are abducting them. We get called Aliens all the time. It's really funny. (Voice from behind "Aliens! Get that one!") Hahaha. Yeah Dick. That cracks us up. We love that one.

SF. Any other thoughts maybe?

JE. The thing that we really dont like to talk about is the fact that Santa has a weak bladder. And to be quite honest with you, when he gets in the house and he puts the presents out he uses a lot of restrooms. When hes eating the cookies...hes in the bathroom. If you see stuff messed around with in there...thats why. Because, he's going and going...and going.

SF. What's it like working with The Claus?

JE. Santa's really a dick. I mean he just keeps giving us crap all the time about how we're taking so long with the toys. I dont know...we cant work any faster. What is this...a labor camp?

SF. We're getting close to the end of our time. Can you leave us with some Christmas cheer? How about a song? Elves like songs right?

JE. Mmm hmm.

SF. Got anything in mind?

JE. Ok...Elf song. Here goes. (Clears Throat). Here comes Santa Claus. Here comes Santa Claus. Why's he carry that whip? He's a basher and a crasher. He beats Prancer and Dasher and every Elf that gives him lip...

SF. That's uh...those arent the words I remember to that song.

JE. Well you just dont know Santa Claus as well as I do ... you?

SF. Well that's it for our broadcast. Again, I'm pleased you made it down from the North Pole.

JE. Mmm Hmm

SF. Thanks Johnny Elf for coming to the studio today.

JE. Glad to be here. I enjoyed it. And I just wanted to say in parting...stay nice. And I'll see you this Christmas.

SF. Well I know that I hope to see you too. I promise. I havent been naughty all year.

JE. Hahaha...haha...that's rich.

SF. Thanks for listening to the Acid Cowboy Podcast. You can find more stuff at or

No comments:

Copyright 2008-2012. All Rights Reserved. No portion of this blog or its content may be reproduced without the express written permission of the Author.

Knockin On Heaven's Door