Saturday, June 13, 2009

Learning to Love Miss Wrong.

I guess I've had it with those Miss Rights who always go wrong. You know what I mean right? Well...maybe not. Most of the people who I know are hooked up, married, engaged or even handfasted if you will. But bear with me for a moment.

Believe me, in the game of love I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have dropped when I should have rolled, sidestepped when I should have two stepped and even managed to throw a ring or two in a field. Dont ask. But how do you know right?

I've stayed in relationships and tried to make them work when I should have set them on fire like a viking funeral and been done with them. And I've run screaming out of others because I happened to see that she had man hands or didnt chew her steak as long as they do in Texas.

I'm not entirely horrific but I dont have any delusions of grandeur either. When I've been at the top of my game with varying successes the women I dated hated me for it. And when I just tried to be happy or faced some challenges they pretty much hated that too.

In the last few years I have come to realize that every Miss Right I've dated has inveritably turned out to be ... the Antichrist. After I really like them they spin the wheel of fortune and come up with...leave him for his a 70 year old...go completely nuts...hate him for no apparent reason...or just be single again and spin again. Every one has turned out this way. And it is something of an understatement to say that I have dated a lot of girls. That's not a good thing when all you want is one good one. Its like a ring toss at the county fair. Plink! Plink! No prize at all! And everyone is watching.

From the outside in that makes me look like a bad guy. 'Look at him! Another one!' Of course, I'm the guy sitting on the porch watching Miss Right pack her stuff in my buddies car. She was cheating on me ... but hey...I'm the guy. Pac Man dying sound effect please.

Yep. Miss Right pretty much sucks. Miss Right always goes Wrong! And thus I have devised a new and improved dating plan....

I will only date Miss Wrong!!! You got it. I intend to reverse it all completely.

Whereas I am usually attracted to friendly, intelligent, nice girls who are a bit sexually repressed, I think its time that I date loudmouthed hooker mud wrestlers who have a penchant for graffiti and blowfish eating contests.

I like the arts including plays and symphonies and naturally I need to date a girl who thinks Andrew Lloyd Webber is a sissy and whose idea of musical range is Metallica meets Nine Inch Nails. Wait...I know that girl! She's pretty cool!

I usually enjoy a good conversation with someone of real substance and intelligence...but that needs to change and I'm thinking that I should only date women who text all of the time and who only call me at 3 in the morning when they want me to have sex with them. Again...that sounds familiar! Perfect! I can do this!

When it comes to looks and personality I always opt for personality. People get better looking or worse looking depending on 'who' they really are. At least I think so. Typically, I look for a fun, outgoing, and good hearted personality. Lets throw that away too!! It's time that I date nothing but bitches....cold hearted, mean spirited, hate your mother bitches.

It goes without saying that I must stop dating girls who I find attractive. Notice of course that I said 'who I find attractive.' Truth is...I'm really blind. So I have no idea what most the girls I go for look like. And I'm not kidding. That ones going to be a hit or miss but I'll start with the ones who look like they just crawled out of the hospital. Perfect.

Dating Miss Wrong and learning to love what you dont want is the golden road to happiness! I have noticed after all, that those who you do want dont want you and the ones you dont want are all about you. How can you lose then if you date the ones who you dont want? What could go wrong??

There are so very many obnoxious, gold digging crazy people out there. And a lot of them are single! Bonus! Add to that the baggage of failed marriages, kids that will hate you and drug dealing ex boyfriends and you have it all! Does it get any better? I ask you.

I imagine the happiness of looking forward to being left behind rather than the fear of losing someone who I would sell my soul for. Real enlightenment is just a change in perspective. And to make it even clearer, just look at how obviously Wrong I am for just about everybody! That can only mean that my potential for successful failure is awe inspiring. I shiver with glee!

The Universe is a big Tau...everything contains its opposite. When everything right goes wrong the only solution is to embrace the wrong in everything.

Two Wrongs dont make a Right. They Make Love!


Art Thomm said...

Brother, I've said it before and I'll say it again - Bitches are crazy!
Being a divorced "good guy", and getting forced back into the dating scene it would seem this is the path we all end up on.

Good luck bro!

Art Thomm
WM, Robert White #67
Martinsburg WV

Dhargaul said...

Rofl..... been there done that read all the self help books and failed. What happened and how do you break this particular karmic cycle? God only knows. I know that when I was full tilt bozo into the dating world, for me it finally boiled down to stop looking for what I wanted. When I was searching for what I wanted, I always found what I didn't. I looked for nice and intelligent and I found that along with borderline psychotic and totolly neurotic. Or I found a girl that for some stupid reason felt I needed to fight every other guy she was interested in. (Only the fittest survive. :D) In the strange bedlam of all that crap I found out two things about this lifestyle. (And the only apply if your genuinely a humanistic person and care for others.) First of all, stop dating and keep a whole group of girls around for every purpose. Fantastic looking ones for when you want others to see the two of you and say WOW! Intelligent ones to actually talk to and discuss life and the world around you. Cuddly ones to watch late night movies with and finally those accomidating vixens in the bed to sate your desires. I had a whole slew of girls that I could call for what ever occasion that I came across.

Funny thing about this time of my life, which lasted for quite a few years, was that I'd totally given up on finding Miss Right. Which brings me to my second point of single life. Stop looking for what you want and start looking for what you don't want. Neurosis, psychosis, shallowness, meanness, and the list goes on. Doing this allowed me to come into contact with a impressive list of women that I would spend my time with, we were all friends, many of them knew each other and we all had a great time. No drama or jealousy. It really couldn't get better than that. Even with all of this I still knew I was missing that one thing that a single companion could give that comes with total commitment, but I had also come to terms with myself that it was okay for this to be missing.

What happened when I met my wife was that I found in her everything I was looking for and that totally made up with some of her triats that would have normally not wanted in my life. Her negatives were totally overshadowed by her positives. Three years later I married here and fortunately we're still together.

I not totally sure the singles scene is the same as when I was in it. (now over 10 years ago.) From the looks of it and from what I've heard from friends that are single, it has changed some. Women are a lot more apt to just wanna have fun and the numbers of them carrying significant amounts of baggage seems to have increased. Either way, I truly believe you should have fun and stop looking for who Miss Right is. A partnership is a lot of hard work that both people must commit to and the people willing to do that are either married or few and far inbetween.

I loved the single life and from time to time still yearn for it. What I don't miss is all the crap that I had to endure as I was dating. Guys are all assholes, I have no problems admitting, but what do you call the mindless masses of women that guys like us can't stand? Good luck to ya bro, I definitely feel for the insanity of being single and dating. ;)

Freestyle said...

Dhargaul. I couldnt agree with you more. And your plan...designated Plan A, has been my plan of choice for a long, long time.

I'm pulling out all stops...Plan B!!

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