Friday, May 15, 2009

'Angels & Demons' Re-Viewed

SPOILER ALERT!!! I MEAN IT!

I am a fan of Dan Brown. Though I never read the book 'The DaVinci Code,' I thoroughly enjoyed the movie that director Ron Howard made with Tom Hanks in the role of Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon.

Before Brown wrote 'Code' he published 'Angels and Demons.' And once again, Ron Howard has unveiled Dan Brown's fervent imagination through film ... or so I thought.

You see...I read the book. Yes. I actually read. And I actually read 'Angels and Demons.' I liked it. In fact, I liked it enough to withhold my Illuminati brothers from visiting poor Dan Brown. "Let him go boys. He didnt really blame us after all." See. Oh. Just read the book.

Anyway, tonight I saw the movie that Ron Howard made. I was looking forward to it enough to blow off a night on the town in favor of squeezing myself into a sauna of a theatre surrounded by the scents of popcorn butter and flagrant BO.

There I sat...awaiting every moment that I had envisioned from reading the novel. Tom Hanks was back to reprise the role of Langdon and there was an attractive co-star to keep me from thinking about what I was missing downtown. I was settled into the repellent theatre scents and eager to drift away from unsettling realities for a couple of hours.

Two hours later....I was wondering just who exactly had kidnapped the author, beat him senseless and trapped me and my friends in a hothouse with a projector. Was it the Illuminati, those conspirators so ably framed within the film? Had the Illuminati purloined the script and rewritten it? I really wondered...because I hardly recognized the book.

I left the theatre feeling a little woozy, branded by indifference to what I had seen. My 'enlightened' friends and I huddled together outside...simply baffled. What had we just seen? Most of what we liked about the book was gone...hijacked by some dread secret Order.

Rather than spill the beans on what is wrong or right about the film...I have chosen to RE-VIEW it the way that would have made it far more entertaining. I mean...if you're gonna just change things at will...then do it right!!

SPOILER ALERT!!! ++++++++++++++++++++++

'Angels and Demons' begins with a murder. Someone has stolen a canister of nuclear accelerated eggs from the CERN laboratories. Eggs? Yes...eggs. Wait for it...So far so good.

The Pope is dead and the Cardinals are in Conclave to vote for his replacement. However, the four 'Preferiti' are missing...kidnapped by the Illuminati, an ancient enemy of the Church that favors scientific reason over religion. The Illuminati masterminds intend to murder the Cardinals along the Path of Illumination...each branded by an Illuminati symbol. At the end of the Path, the Illuminati has placed the nuclear accelerated eggs...that will hatch at midnight releasing the awesome power of....Godzilla.

Robert Langdon is kidnapped by Cern scientists and disposed of on a deserted island. Tom Hanks plays the part effortlessly. He learns of the diabolical Illuminati plot and puts an ambigramatic encryption into a bottle...which he throws into the sea.

Meanwhile...Rome is awash with blood. Steven Seagal is called into the carnage but is defeated after being dismembered atop the Pantheon by ravenous pidgeons. Black smoke emerges from the Vatican. And the fury of Bruce Lee leaps from the necropolis beneath Saint Peters Basilica to battle the Illuminati assassin...played by Jack Black.

Time is running out, but Langdon builds a raft out of palm trees and escapes from his island isolation. With his trusted friend Wilson in tow, he races through the streets of Rome, first finding and then leading Bruce Lee along the Path of Illumination.

Jack Black is a formidable foe. He is always just ahead of Bruce Lee and Langdon. One by one the Preferiti are murdered...each branded with an ad for Pepsi; Coke; Mountain Dew; and Sprite.

Inevitably, Langdon is too late. The egg bomb goes off and Godzilla is released into Saint Peters Square. Everywhere, Japanese take cover.

Bruce Lee is not the only hope for the Vatican. Langdon defeats Black by McGuyvering a laser pistol out of a peach pit, a flashlight and duct tape. When all seems lost, it is Langdon who discovers the old 'Spell of Godzilla Banishing' in the Vatican Archives. Langdon reveals the spell to Lee who corners the monster with a roundhouse kick.

It is over all too soon. The monster lay dead in the square. Bruce Lee returns to the necropolis and Langdon gets the girl that he picked up on the streetcorner while racing across town. Her name is Lucy and she likes to paint pictures of Barbara Streisand.

END OF SPOILERS ++++++++++


Well that's it. That's 'Angels and Demons' for ya. Do yourself a favor. Read the book.

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