Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Apocalypse River

Well. It's official! Now that I have finally gone and joined the Facebook community I'm running into the same situation that so many others have told me all about...

Namely...I'm running across people whom I havent seen in YEARS. There they are on Facebook looking back at me across untold shores of time and distance. There are long lost friends...faraway family members and, of course, all the ones that got away.

It's really a strange...weirdly emotion feeling I'm getting. It's like Facebook is putting my life into a kind of cruel perspective. Lots of people are living the life I hoped for...just not me.

I've always been on a kind of boat floating down the river. I have someplace to go apparently. Life has taken me to some odd places. And I suppose that by now I have gotten used to being on the move; so there I go...floating down the river.

Facebook is a good way to wave at people while the boat winds down the waters. I'll wave at the Holy Grail I misplaced in a field ten years past. I'll wave at old friends from my hometown who couldnt possibly know me now. I'll wave at a good friend who was seperated from me by miles and years. I'll wave at those crazy cousins I love and hold onto...the ones who probably wave back because they feel they should rather than they feel close to me. I'll wave at the pretty girl who is happily married to normalcy.

The boat goes down the river and I find myself wondering what is up just ahead. Maybe it's my own 'Apocalypse Now' and I'm about to face Colonel Kurtz at the last eddies of humanity. "The horror" is the way that Kurtz described the life of man set out in a state of brutality. But I know that he meant man in the state of being simply human. The natural world is a scary place.

At what point do you just get off the boat and swim for it? The last time I did that I drowned. A steady hand pulled me back and told me to steer straighter next time...to focus on where I was going. And who knows where the hell, or to what hell, that is?

I can look backwards of course. But I really cant see too well around the old bends along the way. And everything is grown up back there like weeds in the way of the perfect view. There are a lot of amazing memories good and bad to be sure. And I know that I had more than my fair share of chances to jump to the riverbank. But that damn boat keeps going and I find myself wondering where.

There's a scene in the movie 'Joe VS the Volcano' when the main character finds himself stranded on a raft of travel chests after his boat sinks. I often recall that scene with a kind of recognition of the soul. At his darkest hour, Joe watches as the full moon rises in amazing glory out on the horizon.

I guess I travel down that apocalypse river because I've seen enough personal war by now to want to either leave it behind me or to face it like Sheen faced Brando. That movie actually captures a lot too. He stops in a French camp and makes love to an angel. And he finds beauty in the raucous displays of cannon and gunfire. That's life isnt it? Some of us are on the shore and some of us arent.

I may not like where I've been sometimes. I dont know where I'm going. And I hate with all of my passionate heart that French angels are shorebound. But somehow...somehow...I think all in all that I have the better view of that rising glory.

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