Tuesday, January 27, 2009

'Free' New iPhone Apps.

The Apple iPhone supports thousands of 'Applications' that you can install and use on your versatile little computer compact. Among these are games, utilities, reference resources and countless others.

Here are some I would find REALLY useful.

1. 'Happy Daze' Stock Market Converter - This amazing App simply displays the current stock market charts Upside Down! One minute you're losing your entire 401k and the house in the Hamptons...then Voila! One click of the 'Happy Daze' App and you're sitting pretty. Sort of.

2. Drunk Girl Translator - Sure French is a useful language to translate on your iPhone. But wouldnt it be helpful if you could actually understand what that girl you are hitting on at the bar is REALLY saying? This App clears up your drunk girl communication woes instantly. (This App is not available in Drunk Guy as men only say what they 'have to' when they are talking with women in a bar).

Examples of the Drunk Girl Translator:

DG - "Cough...mma..if ... Nick...ick...assss"
Trans - "My boyfriend Nick is going to kick your ass."

DG - "Yur cute...where ...my ... keys"
Trans - "I need to be leaving now or I'm going to get myself into trouble"

DG - "I'm drunk...Yur Cute...Nicks...asshole"
Trans - "Take me home with you at once!"

3. Drunk Dial Interrupter - Thank the boys at 'Fridays' for this gem. Basically this App quizzes you if you attempt to make a post bar call to some random girl or guy at 3AM. If you are too drunk to complete the quiz then you are saved the embarrasment of making that call you would regret.

4. Instant Excuse - Basically, if you need an instant excuse for anything then just enter what you need and excuse for and the App will provide a credible excuse for you in seconds via the 3G speeds. We suggest that you Update this App as advised so you arent using "My dog ate my homework" or "My dog was on a date last night but not me" if you dont actually own a dog.

5. The Age Eraser - I love this App! If you happen to be dating someone significantly younger than yourself then all you have to do is enter that person's age and this App will update you with items of Age related cultural interest etc. If you have no idea who the Jonas Brothers are then you need this App immediately.

6. The iBomb - This App threatens a countdown to certain annihilation and is perfect for tomfoolery of all sorts! Not recommended for use in Banks, with irritating girlfriends/boyfriends, at School, at the Airport...

7. iPhone X-Ray - This App cleverly photoshops your targets head onto the body of a naked model. Perfect for laughs at another's expense, extortion, blackmail or just plain fun!

8. God Chat (tm)- Behold! Tired of chatting with friends or trying to meet singles through some shady chat service? Well everyone wants to talk to God! Millions of prayers cant be wrong! With God Chat (tm) you can chat with God anytime you feel lonely, depressed, or whenever you need that Special Someone! You can send Praise at the touch of a button and it wont cost you anything more than your normal service. We have God on the line...with God Chat (tm).

9. Sex Directions - This is the iPhone App that YOUR partner has been waiting for you to download! Choose the 'sultry voice', the 'sweet and innocent voice', or go for broke with 'bossy dominatrix' and you're off! Literally! The voice you choose will then Dicktate (ha...sorry), guide your bedroom moves from start to...well finish. Finally, you cant go wrong because you're just doing as you're told.

Voice Setting Examples

A. Sultry - "That's What I like. You're soooo good. Hold me closer lover."

B. Sweet and Innocent - "Thats ok. Um...I've never done this before. Be gentle!"

C. Bossy Dominatrix - "What am I ... glass!!? You have a LOT to learn. Faster!!"

10. Surgery 101 - Feel like performing an Appendectomy today? How about a heart transplant!?
With Surgery 101 even YOU can perform surgery ... like a PRO! No need to practice on your neighbors dog or your friends while they sleep anymore. Surgery 101 comes complete with 'Instant Credentials' that you can proudly display whenever the need to perform major surgery arises. Stuck in a line at taco bell? It's the perfect time to reach for your scalpel and be the Doctor your mother would be proud of.
(Disclaimer - The makers of Surgery 101 and Dr. Benicio Valesquez of Argentina are not to be held responsible for those attempting to perform surgery without a proper license).

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