Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Dear Santa...

I know that it has been a while since I've written to you. If it makes you feel better, I never wrote a single letter to the Easter Bunny...and I haven't seen the Tooth Fairy in years.

Our relationship has been a bit rocky. I'm not saying that I haven't been happy with my Christmas presents over the years. For the most part...hell yeah I have! Still, for whatever reason, aside from when I was a kid Christmas hasnt really worked out for me. I got dumped on Christmas day once and I havent seen a white Christmas in a decade.

I suspect that it's because I havent been writing to you like I should. And so...I wanted to make amends.

First of all, please tell the Reindeer that I havent forgotten about them. I have fond memories of Prancer and Blitzen. Who would have thought that Prancer was the ladies Reindeer and Dancer was into the guys? At any rate, Prancer taught me a thing or two and Blitzen and I got drunk on Egg Nog that year when you showed up in my mother's bedroom. What were you doing in there anyway?

As far as the Elves are concerned, I have some mixed feelings. How come they never put any of my presents together at the North Pole? It's ridiculous how many hours I spent on Christmas day assembling my gifts or walking to the store to buy batteries. I think the Elves are a little lazy. It probably has something to do with Egg Nog.

There is that one Elf though Santa. You know the one I mean. She showed up with you that one Christmas when you were the one drinking the Egg Nog. She was wearing the happy face that said 'I brake for Rudolph.'

I asked you in my last letter to change my name to Rudolph. And what did I get? Socks. Great, my Elf was out there looking for Rudolph and I had warm feet. Tell her I said hi.

You gave me some really great gifts in the past Santa. I remember Stretch Armstrong and an army of GI Joes. I liked the pedal car when I was 7 and I'll admit I even liked the 'Thriller' album.

I used to stay up at night waiting for you. I watched the news track you on radar. I was always afraid that NORAD was going to shoot you down or something. Dad told me that you had made a deal with the US Government but I wasnt sure about the Soviets at the time. He told me that they all got coal anyway.

I'm sorry about eating your milk and cookies almost every Christmas. I got hungry sitting up and waiting for you to show. And that year that I put extra wood in the fireplace? I was going through a hard time. I didnt mean to take it out on you.

All that said, I would like a few things this Christmas. So I made a list for you...just like old times.

1. A Wii. It seems like everyone is getting one. And I want to know why.

2. Round trip tickets to Paris for two. I think they'll come in handy.

3. The manor house from the movie 'Candleshoe.' I'll settle for the one in 'Meet Joe Black' though.

4. The Black Stallion. I wanted him on the ranch as a kid. Why not now?

5. Unlimited shopping at Armani Exchange and the Buckle.

6. All of my dues paid up for a lifetime. Take care of my student loans while you're at it.

7. A model train. It's about time.

8. A box of Cuban cigars. Pull some Santa strings. Screw the embargo.

9. A time machine. I was working up to it. There's a lot of stuff I need to redo and even more to relive.

10. Change my name to Rudolph. I wanna see that Elf again.

Well Santa. As you can see I havent really changed all that much. Pretty much the same ol.

While you're at it, I'd appreciate it if you took some of this coal off my hands. I have piles of this stuff stored up from the last few recent years.

What are you and the Elves doing up there anyway? You're mining coal at the North Pole? Keep in mind that I know this. I think it's some kind of environmental hazard. It would be a real shame if the authorities knew about the coal mine you have up there.

My lips are sealed Santa! Merry Christmas!

Rudolph? hint hint

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