Sunday, November 9, 2008

The BS Door.


I have a problem with doors.

No. I'm not talking about the band with Jim Morrison. And I'm not at issue with your basic run-of-the-mill single door like you might have in your home.

I have a problem with the typical entrance doors that you might find at any local business, place of entertainment, or eatery. Specifically, I hate the fact that almost inevitably, even though there are clearly TWO doors.... one of the doors is always locked!!

That pisses me off!

Here I go just minding my own business...looking forward perhaps to some nice socializing at a local restaurant bar ....and striding confidently through a pair of ...WHACK!

What was that!? Ouch! The door on the left was locked! "Oh...sorry folks...yeah, come on out...I'll just hold the one working door open for you! This is what I do with my life! I hold the one door open for everyone else! I'm life's door holder!"

And why? Because I can't get through the other door. It's locked!

Who would do this!? Did the architect plan on congesting the entrance and egress of an establishment with me in mind? Or did the owner decide to lock one of the doors because...well...one door is plenty!?

I need two doors damnit! I need two! Not one. Never one. Two! And I think you should go get your damn key and open my damn second door right this minute! I insist!

Maybe it just insults my vanity that I find myself struggling with that one locked door. Hope against hope I always try...and sure enough...I fail. Here I am world! Look at me! While you're all going about your day I'm the moron standing in front of the locked door waiting my turn.

I'll try it again. Damn! Still locked and now I look even dumber because I keep trying to open the locked door. Somewhere someone is laughing uncontrollably.

What if it's a push and not a pull? That only confuses things ... namely me things!

Here I am at the TWO doors...

Thud! Curses! I should have pushed instead of pulled. I'm an idiot for all to see now! Wait...I'll just pull now.... Nothing! It clearly doesnt matter now if I push OR if I pull!

Why? Because that one stupid door is locked! @*&$&%!!

I have a theory that these doors were created by alien scientists. These beings have devised a kind of maze for us humans to navigate for their scientific trials and studies. Here and there they have placed sets of doors...some locked some open....some push...some pull.

High up in the heavens, these aliens watch as we humans persist in navigating their maze of architectural madness for them.

"Hey Gurgleblix...did you see that human go through the open door!? Not bad!"

"Sorry Meepod. I was too busy laughing uncontrollably at the human standing at the locked door. Hahahaha! It gets me every time!"

"Oh ho! That is funny! Now I too am laughing uncontrollably! Look Gurgleblix...the human is trying to pull the push door!!! Hahahahaha!"

"Fool. Let's destroy the planet."

Yeah. I pretty much hate that one locked door.

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Knockin On Heaven's Door