Sunday, August 17, 2008

Toxic Jobs

I took the day off yesterday. That's right. I goofed off with the best of them. It was a Monday of all days. Horror of horrors. While almost everyone in America was carpooling to the daily grind or inching through memos and paper piles, I was sleeping in.

Sometime around noon, I made it out of bed at last. It was a good thing too. I was just in time to catch up on some of my emails, watch some of the Olympics that I had recorded the night before (those opening ceremonies must have terrified China's neighboring countries), and mindlessly survey the pile of unopened mail in my office chair.

I had lunch promptly at four 'ish' in the afternoon. It was Mexican food...something like a burrito, a taco, rice and beans and lots of chips and salsa. Pure south o' the border joy! I didnt bother dressing up. I figured that a cap, polo shirt, shorts and some tennis shoes was really almost overdoing it.

Happy hour showed up on schedule and I found myself sitting at a picnic table outside of one of my favorite local gathering places (i.e. a bar). There was an Irish band playing and I was quick to order a tall, frothy Guinness beer. It was simply my duty as an Irishman. I'm not sure how lucky this Irish boy was to start with but I was feeling pretty lucky after a few of those dark beers!

A young, attractive blonde woman joined me at dusk and we shared some really enlightened conversation...for two people drinking together and listening to an Irish man named 'Danny' croon songs about loves lost at sea and lovers awaiting their return.

After the bar, the blonde and I roamed to the local bookstore, Barnes and Noble, where we chatted together and smacked each other with the works of CS Lewis and Dante's 'Divine Comedy.' Apparently drinking and then going to a bookstore is risky behavior societally. We managed to hold ourselves together and decided that sushi should be our next step. Really it was my decision. I just wanted the blonde to believe she had a part in it.

My only regret for the day came when I had to turn one of my best friends down when she invited me downtown, in favor of eating sushi. Still, it had to be done. I was geared up!

Finally, I made it home around midnight, my stomach full of rice and raw fish. Hmmm. It somehow doesnt sound as appetizing when I think of it like that. At any rate, I chilled out on the computer and texted a couple of friends and then eyed my refrigerator for a late night popsicle. I prefer the orange ones.

I know, of course, that this kind of goofing off is really kind of trivial in comparison to big kinds of goofing off like traveling to Vegas or Paris or something. Hey...I'm leaving that for the weekend. I have to get my motor running first.

People work too much these day though. Last week, I put in eighty-five hours of work myself. I usually work insane amounts of hours. I'm something of a workaholic truth be told.
But I'm getting tired of it.

We all chase money around too much and most of us forget about actually enjoying life for the short time that we live it. We have to take more time to smell the roses as they say. There are lots of roses out there and this guy is definitely looking to smell them! Hmmm. That just sounds weird.

Imagine some of the horrible jobs that people spend years upon years in college just to do. The medical jobs really freak me out. I have no desire whatever to be a Dentist or a Phlebotomist or anything that has to do with touching people. Gynecology should be a fun pastime not a job. And I am immediately suspicious of anyone who decides to become a proctologist. I just will not shake hands with a butt doctor.

Medical jobs arent the worst jobs to have though. I wouldnt want to be an Attorney either. I hate going to court and I dont like to spend my days arguing with dumb people. If that isnt bad enough, then think about the mountains of paperwork, files and books you have to go through that would probably bore the test monkeys to death. State versus...who cares!!? Well...not me.

What makes someone become a Mortician? Ghastly. There is just so much I dont want to think about daily. And I really dont want to see, or especially, handle a bunch of dead people. It's sad. Its gross and .... ewww!!

Taxi and truck drivers drive all day long and that would bore the bejeezus out of me. Movers and construction workers do more physical labor than the slaves of Egypt. Again...not for me.

What about office workers? That represents a huge workforce demographic. I've seen the movie 'Office Space' though and I think that those crapass cubicle gardens are just one step away from being a human version of PetSmart. If I worked in a cubicle all day I think I would go insane from filing TPS reports or just from waiting for the big kid outside the window to buy me and take me home with him.

"Look mama...I got me a new office worker! This one has a pretty blue tie and wasnt as loud as the other ones."

The problem with work is that it takes too long. I wouldnt mind working a good solid twenty hours a week with built in siestas and a daily massage from Ingrid, my dedicated Swedish personal assistant. I could do that! You could replace the water cooler with a wet bar and Joan in the lobby could drop by every now and then with a cup of coffee and a lapdance.

I'm kidding about that of course. I dont drink coffee while I'm working.

Maybe one day we can replace our jobs with machines. Then we can all go to the movies and the beach together. Wouldn't that be cool? I think jobs actually frustrate most of us. We would all like to get back to living instead or working to live which leaves us a lot less living to do. Think about how long you live anyway and then subtract all of those hours you spent waiting in traffic or riding in the elevator or twirling your pen over reams of contracts and those nasty TPS reports.

That settles it. Unless you are lucky enough to get paid for doing what you love to do then jobs are toxic. Jobs are as bad for you as smoking ten packs of cigarettes a day, standing in front of a snowblower, or eating Haagen Daaz and bean dip in bed at three AM. And I know.

Take it from somebody who usually works way too much. I took a day off do I feel refreshed! There is just so much to do when you dont waste your day working.

I suggest you all quit your jobs and have Margaritas by the pool all day long. Seriously. It's much more fun. I'm thinking Wednesday. Of course, they call that one Hump Day. Just think about what you could do on Hump Day if you took that day off...

Hells yeah.

Who said 'Happiness is Hard Work?' That's BS. Maybe we can all just go to school and get a Degree in Retired. Sounds great! An RT Degree. I'd rather study to be retired anyway.

Scott Free RT

1 comment:

JohnnyCage said...

Office Space was right on! I recently left a giant global corporation and they had been implimenting half cubes. As the offices were taken away and the cubes became smaller what little sanity I had left was it that important to bring in another 10M when a company is worth 100B. Come on big oil...enough is enough. You already rule the world, cut your people a little slack. If middle management has time to get rid of every possible expence and can micro manage every cube dweller we might need to ask them, "how much time do YOU spend on TPS Reports".

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