Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Mail Check

It is probably a good idea to check one's mail more than once a month. I personally check it about twice a month which is suitable if you find mail as disagreeable as I do. Let it be said...I hate mail.

Mail makes me question the underpinnings of the universe. I mean, if we can get this much e-mail spam (like this post for instance) and all of that paper shredder fodder we find in our postbox, then what does that say about the cosmos?

I think it says that most of reality and life itself, is junk mail. That aside, we all share the existential angst about the bills and we can be certain that even we are marked 'return to sender.'

Mail says a lot about who you are, what interests you, what or who you are connected to. Maybe that's why its a Federal Crime for people to go rummaging through someone elses mail. That's kind of like groping for a reach around without bothering for dinner.

I managed to crowbar my mailbox open today and stealthily sidestepped the rushing torrent of paper excess. I think a bird was in there but he had wizened up at some point and left the overflowing bin for roomier lodgings.

Looking over my mail it is apparent that I need to go to Pizza Hut immediately and claim tens of thousands in clippable coupons. I'm dialing right this moment so you might have to wait a second...


Ok. Moving on, it comes to my attention that my gerbil wheels arent making the grade when it comes to powering my home. City Utilities say they are sending over a "couple of toughs" if I dont get off my ass and pay my bill yesterday. At least when I tell them that I hadnt received my bill I'm telling the truth. Truth is, I didnt bother looking for it.

Next I come across about a dozen Platinum 5-Star Grand Option Millennium Firebrand Phoenix Ultrabank credit card offers. No need for me to apply since I'm already approved for about 300,000 dollars. That's cool. One less thing to worry about. Time to book a trip to Vegas.

What's this? No, I am not Wanda Hildefarger at 435 Penny Rock. I better have a closer look just in case I've been using a pseudonym I knew nothing about. I did that once in Junior High so that I could order Playboy magazine. I set up a questionable post office box under a war vet that didnt exist named Walter. God love Walter but he liked the ladies. Too bad for my real friend Charles...who's parents address I listed instead of mine....or Walters.

Rifling through my future mail firelog, I find lots of the usual suspects...namely bills. Aside from the CU bill, there are credit card bills from cards I was obviously approved for some while ago. I dont remember using them but I'll look for some more bills from them next month and see if they go away. Here's a bill from someone that actually seems to 'collect' bills. That's perfect! I should call him at once and see if he wants to collect some of the extra bills I have sitting around here.

Shut off notice. Probably should read that. Welcome back notice. Hmmm. Mail is so confusing.

Since most of my friends write to me via email, I dont expect too many handwritten letters. Those usually only come in the form of holiday greeting cards. I found a few of those too. Here's one asking me to 'Get Well Soon.' That's sweet. I remember being sick last month for about a week. Getting the card now, I already feel just so much better. Here's another one from a girl....

I'll keep that one to myself. I'll write about it later when I'm drunk and feeling vulnerable.

Did you know that Sears is having a sale? Were you aware that Best Buy can shuttle out the Geek Squad to trick your home entertainment center? I have WON a trip for myself and one other to visit the slopes of Kilamanjaro in Africa. Good news that.

Checking the mail is always an adventure. I'm going to clean out the bird's nest and make room for next months stuff. I'm a little disappointed at the end though. I didnt get this months Hooters Magazine. Maybe it ran out...or maybe I forgot to look for the bill. I'd like to tell you that I have a subscription to New Scientist weekly, or National Geographic, but I'd be lying. While I do like to peruse those old favorites at the local Barnes, that's not what keeps me coming back to the mailbox.

Still...if I dont get Hooter's anymore then maybe I'll pass on this mail thing. I mean there has to be a point right? That brings me back to the underpinnings of the universe. There's a metaphor in there somewhere.

I'll go looking for it in a couple weeks.
Go check your mail.

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