All You Need is 'LIKE'

How's your history doing? Are you old enough to remember the 60s? How about the 70s then? Hmm....The 80s? 90s??

Do you remember anything???

That's alright. If you do happen to remember the last few decades or even parts of them, some of my parts are blurry for certain, then you might be familiar with the 'Love Generation' and Generation X. While the 'Love Generation' of the 60s comes to mind with visions of happy dancing flower children and Generation X reminds us of Kurt Cobain and a decade or two of inward searching emptiness (and a real hit and miss when it comes to music), there is a new Generation planting its flag.

And I call it...The 'LIKE' Generation.

The word 'Love' is just too intimate for this commitmentphobic generation. We all have cell phones now. We can all get by on text messages to our friends, family and loved ones. Hell. We can even do business that way. You'll notice that Facebook doesnt ask you to Love anyone does it? That's just too personal. That would be weird! We just 'Like' them.

Perhaps we all need a few more choices when it comes to our social networking. Maybe Facebook should add some buttons. Maybe they need to add a 'I Like You More Than "Friend Name"' button. Why not add a button that says 'Buy Me Dinner and We'll See.' And how about a button that says it like it really is most of the time ... 'Assume I Like You.'

The 'Like' Generation is too entitled for my taste. It was too easy for them. When I was a kid only the first place winner got a trophy. Second and third place received a ribbon. And when it came to the long jump...I had to settle for bupkiss. What's with all the kids getting gold stars and trophies now?

Time Magazine calls the 'Like' Generation...the 'ME ME' Generation. Actually, I think they're onto something. Just take out the space from 'ME ME' and you get the word MEME...which is the evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkin's word denoting a psychological gene. Memes are the brands we buy and the ideas we infect others with. Memes are the viruses of the mind that make us who we are throughout our cultural as well as our environmental development.

You Generation 'Likers' will have to forgive me. I like to do my own thinking thank you. Of course, I know a lot of you who are freethinkers too. And I applaud you. Sadly though, too many 'Likers' are coasting along the cultural wave spending daddys money on the right clothes, do's, mp3s, and other generally useless crap.

I'm not crazy about doing business with the 'Like' Generation. Since when does business benefit from that same distant approach to relationships that you see on Facebook? "I'll have my secretary text you?" Really? How bout not?

So you went to college. You got your degree in Business Admin. You dress the part and look like the folks on 'the Hills'. You have just enough of the 'right' friends. And speaking of which, you have almost 500 Facebook friends. You would have more but you trimmed the fat and got rid of those friends who didnt bother commenting on your post about your pupply getting drunk at the after bar you barely made it back from.

Why did you take a dog to an after bar anyway?? Lame. For that I may have to 'Unlike' you.

I dont really care who you're trying to be Generation 'Like.' I'm more interested in who you are without that tornadic trail of memes around you. I know you like Radiohead, Lady Gaga and Journey. I know your favorite movie is The Boondock Saints. I know you are attending the Christmas Party at Donnas. And I know that you couldnt sleep last night because you posted on Facebook about your ex calling you all night long.

Im not sure I've ever even met you Generation 'Like'. I'm glad we're friends on Facebook and I wouldnt dare Unfriend you. After all...you deserve better!

But I deserve better too. If, at the end of the day, you really want me or anybody else to care about you, your business, and those things that are important to you, then you need to stop chasing your 15 minutes on Facebook and realize that life is not so much a goal as a journey. No one wins in the end though we we can all win often enough along the way.

I lived a long time without Facebook. And you'll hear me and a lot of other Gen Xers tell you that there's a lot more living in those details....details easily missed when life is experienced via texts, social media and friend requests.

Gee. I wonder if I should send God a friend request? You know...just to make sure.

Duh! Being!

When it comes to partying, apparently nobody parties quite like actor Charlie Sheen. What do you call 5 hookers, 5 tennis ball sized coke baggies, and a paid off preggo pornstar?... Just another weeknight with the Warlock!

Seeing as only Jesus Christ Himself could actually live, or better yet rise, from a binge like that...Charlie Sheen is in good company to author a spiritual bestseller. Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA? That sounds awfully religious to me!

Autocorrect My Life

These days our smartphones are so very smart that they can actually have blonde moments. Sure, the little doohickeys seem to be working well. The pixels are all pixeling; the diodes are all dioding; the chips are all...chipping. Unfortunately, that smart phone is too smart for its, and more importantly our, own good. Brain fart...and that pimp superphone just autocorrected your ass.

The future is more or less now...and nothing like we expected it to be. Decades ago we all imagined flying cars, phasers, and monorails atop our floating cities. What we got was an economy that couldnt afford any of that even if we could build it. So we settle for gadgets, little personal reminders that we live in the world of tomorrow...today. Only, Capt Kirk would be texting Scotty to beam back up to the ship. And its more than likely that Scotty would beam Kirk into the middle of the sun ... all because that stupid communicator autocorrected his text message.

'Scotty! It's Kirk! We're being attacked by the Klingons! Beam us back to the sun!! Shit!! Scotty...wait ... ship...not sun!!! NOT SUN!!!! ... ttyl.'

The Autocorrect ruins lives. I've made more than a few Freudian slips when it just happened to kick in once when I was texting a girlfriend. At least she thought they were Freudian slips. Hell, who knows? Apparently my smart phone was doing the thinking for me.

I'm beginning to wonder about the Autocorrect Effect. Think about it. If the phones Autocorrect because they were programmed to 'expect' or 'anticipate' certain words or word combinations, then how different is that really from other expectations in life?

I for one feel 'Autocorrected' all the time in my life. I'm always being prejudged for something I'm not going to do anyway. And I'm always being reminded of how I was or should be thinking or feeling by people who are obviously experts when it comes to my personal thoughts and feelings. Again...there go the relationships! poof!

Actually. That explains a lot.

The women in my life have been programmed by society to anticipate that all I'm interested in is sex. No...that's a typo! But it's too late and the message was sent by first wave feminists and sexist commercial propaganda. Poor me. Poor everyman. Lets all just give up and live down to those worst expectations!

What 'type' am I? Well...if I spelled it out it would say one thing. But once everyone around me 'Autocorrected' me, I suppose I wouldnt recognize the message that I was sending either.

We're all getting Autocorrected. Maybe enlightenment is the art of not Autocorrecting the original message. Hmm...I hope that message doesnt get Autocorrected. Maybe I'm really onto hamburger.

... No! 'Something!' Not 'hamburger'. Damn... see!!?

I wonder what would have happened had holy books been Autocorrected...

'In the beginning...Fish created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was wife's form and bulls.' - the Bible...Autocorrected.

Would we all be worshipping fish now? Which wife?? What fucking bulls!!!???

Another good question is just what have we Autocorrected in our lexicon of human history? Maybe Alexander wasnt so great. Maybe Alexander was grouchy or late or something. 'Hey look! It's that damned Alexander. Always late everywhere he goes. Alexander the ...

Great.'

I guess it could work to my advantage now that I think of it. After all, I have been the real architect of my own destruction. Perhaps a lucky stroke of Autocorrect will serve the whims of providence one day and secure my place in those hallowed halls of personal greatness.

Scott Fish. The Creator.

Image Submitted by Cindy

A Band Apart

I've been thinking of some band names recently. Most band names are universally ridiculous. 'The Flaming Lips?' Really? That's a disease. There's gotta be an ointment for that.

Usually people just throw together a Verb and a Noun. It's the classic 'Verbing Nouns.'

Screw all that...Here are some that will doubtlessly catch on...

1. Sudden Lion Attack Catastrophe!

2. The Pumping Pretty

3. The Tropical Lemonades

4. Mixed Up Jesus Christ Rhythms

5. Rendezvous Symphony Awareness

6. Methodical Jones

7. Big Tapper

8. Juice Bar Fantasy

9. 5 Second Countdown

10. Damnation Afterthoughts

11. Grilled Salmon Simpletons

12. Muskrat Weenie Philosophers

13. Chrome Illness

14. Maestro Lovestruck

15. Moving Violations

16. Some Sick Uncle

17. The Box Bums

18. Mallory Has A Hickey

19. No Rest For The Milkmen

20. Sunrise Repeaters

I'm just throwin some ideas out there. If any of these are real bands then its purely by coincidence. Great minds barf up horrible ideas alike. If you'd like to hang one of these band name shingles on your band then by all means. Just tell em Scott Free gave you the idea and give me tickets to your concert!

Suspension of Disbelief

Seriously...Who would RUN from HER???

When I was a kid everything just made sense. There was a Santa Claus. There was one Religion. And whatever you saw on TV or read in a comic book...you could take to the bank.

I'm not a kid anymore so I guess I'm just not as gullible as I once was. Perhaps I can attribute that to years of experience and learning. But for whatever I have gained...havent I also lost something along the way?

People have a habit of making fun of the trends and cultures of bygone eras. Bell bottoms. Big eighties hair. But take a look around. It's not so different now. This is the era of fauxhawks, cell phone obsession, Tap Out and Affliction Shirts and other disasters.

I grew up watching 'The Bionic Man', 'Buck Rogers', 'That's Incredible', 'The Love Boat' and 'Fantasy Island.' The real difference between the shows then and now was that back then everyone was looking good and getting laid between the action. Today...it's about killing the crap out of each other or about finding the person who killed the crap out of someone.

I guess we've lost our innocence. And with that we've lost our suspension of disbelief. We question everything now...especially religion...love...and our own modern versions of 'happiness.'Maybe thats why no one is really happy anymore. We arent innocent enough to enjoy life as it is. We question our personal standards of living and happiness until we're thoroughly depressed.

Bring back the innocence.

Of course...some things really dont make sense.

For instance:

1. Why do people run from Wonder Woman? She's amazingly hot, and sweet enough to talk out of punishing you. Maybe you'd even want to be punished by Wonder Woman? What about that Magic Rope of hers? One comedian once said that if she used it on him he'd tell her the truth alright...He'd tell her he wanted to have sex with her. Yeah...that's the truth.

2. How did we all buy that story about Santa Claus? He traveled all over the world in one night and kept track of all of that? That's almost as crazy as thinking that a snake gave an apple to the first girl and that's what explains New Jersey.

3. What kind of woman would have sex with Spider Man?? Thats fricken disgusting. Peter Parker is half SPIDER. Wow. How sexy is that? Probably not so sexy when you're pregnant with a hundred football sized spider babies. Ick.

4. Back to Wonder Woman. Really? I'd do something bad just to get her attention.

5. Happily Ever After? Like that ever happens. When the credits roll on ANY love story and it says 'The End'...they aren't kidding.

6. Those pants really dont make you look fat. You're just fat.

7. How many times did the Dukes of Hazzard have to send the 'General Lee' to the repair shop? And can you really lead the police on a car chase every single day and NOT go to prison? Try it.

8. Sure the Flat Earth idea was bogus. But what's at the end of the universe? How is that any better? 'Here there be monsters'?

Just some errant thoughts. Without suspension of disbelief on a daily basis, I think we'd all be either really sane or really crazy. Maybe it's relative...just like belief is.

But again...there's a bodacious babe chasing me with a magic rope...

Gaming News: Pimps Added to Popular 'World of Warcraft'

It had to happen sooner or later. Early versions of MMORPGs (nerd for Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games) such as Ultima Online by Lord British and Everquest both allowed players to be street vendors. Players could establish characters simply to sell or trade items in the game. Answering other in game demands, World of Warcraft by Blizzard is introducing it's newest expansion module...as well as its newest character class.

Break out your Pimp Cups gamers. As early as September, World of Warcraft (WOW) novices and veterans alike will be travelling the new lands of 'The Hoods'. The new Warcraft expansion module, entitled 'The Ghetto Zones' will feature all new terrain including 'the projects' and 'diesel alley.'

Most exciting of all however, is the new Pimp character class. Watch your purse strings warriors! Sure Necromancers can summon awesome demonic pets. But just check out the pets the new Pimp class can summon!

Neville, a ten year veteran of WOW, had this to say about playing the Pimp class in Beta testing...

"I started my Pimp in Diesel Alley. Pimps can be good or evil so I chose to be a good pimp. I spend a lot of time earning experience doing community service. I've given away a lot of basketballs to be level 60. The Pimp class pets are outstanding! Starting at level 4 your Pimp receives his 'Runaway Hustle' spell. Basically, you can gather up stray female NPCs. At level 21 you finally get your 'Summon Streetwalker' spell...which...ROCKS! The graphics are so fantastic that I dont even surf porn anymore. This game really has it ALL now.'

Pimps can wield 'Pimp Cups,' 'Pimp Canes' and 'Pimp Charisma'. Their main melee move is the dreaded 'Bitchslap.'

Pimp Pets include: The Able Runaway. The Burn Out. The Streetwalker. Mommy's Little Secret. Milf Gone Bad. The Porn Queen. And the awesomely powerful ... Bottom Bitch.

Some of the Pimp Abilities include: The Hustle. The Shake Off. Recognize. Dealer Management. Ho Tracking. Pimp Speak. And Protect a Bitch.

While it is possible for players to be 'Hos' in the game, there is at this time no distinct 'Ho' class. Players have to decide whether their character qualifies as a Ho. Pimps can only track NPC Ho's but there is speculation that Blizzard will be allowing players to be Hos in the future. Early beta testers suggested a kind of character toggle similar to a PVP flag. Essentially, if you decide to flag your female Night Elf as a 'Ho' then the Pimps can find her and conscript her into 'service' with their 'Ho Tracking' ability.

It may take a bit of work...but it's likely worth it to the players.

Players may outfit their Pimps with 'bling', hats, suits, canes, cups, gold teeth and unspendable cash wads. As for transportation? The gnomes have been busy...and have created the 'Cadillac'.

"This Pimp class is really exciting," remarks Neville, "I'm finally really getting to do what I want to do in game. I spent all last week just driving around collecting money from my Hos, protecting my pets and periodically using my Bitchslap to keep them in line. There's more to life than a game though...so I've been trying some of this out at my school. I have some real earners there too now!"

WOW.

...

Nothing

Pretty simple little song I put together. Lost a good friend and it made me think of something a long time ago. For those who want to play along its fingerstyle for the most part. Chords are Em, C, Am and D. But its like a chicken...its better plucked.

Late at night before I can dream

Before I can escape the pain of this thing

I lie awake and wrestle with the pain

My thoughts race...like a man going insane

I dont believe the dawn will ever come

I think tonight the night has finally won

I reach for you out in the empty space

I hear your voice...I see your pretty face

Chorus

And I feel it now

Like its there somehow

Even when there's nothing

It's not fair to me

That you're there to me

Even when there's nothing

It's like you took a piece of me away

Though its gone... I still feel it anyway

The limb is lost...but the feelings remain

The ghost in the machine...the image in my brain

Repeat the Chorus x2 - Fin

Find Some Life

I believe that if its not moving with you...then its dead. So it's time to move on. You heard me right. Every day could be your last. So it's always time to go out and find some life.

I happened to wander into a bar with some friends. We played some pool, drank some beers and filled a nearly empty room with lies and bad jokes. A guitar playing guy I knew had left a gig at another bar and was strumming six strings. We coaxed him to join us at the bar and before long we were all singing to the same tune.

Sadly, I didnt have the Nagual in my car. But I belted out some 'Knockin on Heaven's Door' and, for the while, we made a place in the world for ourselves.

It's that simple really. Stop running from what you dont want. Stop running to what you do want. Stay where you are...and want that. ;)

No More Love Songs

Rolling Stone raves...

"Ordinarily is the future of music. With hits like "Making Breakfast" and "Mowing the Lawn", Free takes us on a journey of the absurdly normal. You wont hear a single 'baby' on this entire album. I was captivated by the lyrics of "Paying the Bills". Who could forget 'I dont know where you get your thrills...but I get mine...paying the bills.' It's stuck in my head now."

The Village Voice shouts!

"Scott Free is reinventing the song. First there was 'reality' tv. Now there is 'reality' music. It's a giant leap forward."

Billboard Magazine agrees...

"Five out of four stars! I listened to this album on the way to work and felt like I had already payed my bills, mowed my lawn, made my breakfast and watched tv. It's like bottled life man. It's just that great. Bottled life."

Spin Weighs In...

"If he (Scott Free) sells out...then I'll have a problem with God."

Ordinarily

1. Paying the Bills

2. Mowing the Lawn

3. Making Breakfast

4. Taking Out the Trash (feat Justin Timberlake)

5. Driving to Work

6. Watching TV

7. Morning Rituals

8. Reading My Mail

Our Sponsor

"Throw caution to the wind. Make the Right Selection...Natural Selection! It's Your Beer...Your Way. Drink Without Excuses!"

Notice- Drinking and Driving is Stupid. Drinking and operating heavy machinery is funny...but still stupid.

Heart of America

Every year in the month of August, the fair sets up in Springpatch. It brings with it all of the traditional sights and sounds...and smells. There are rides, barking carneys, funnel cakes galore and plenty of exhibits and booths to peruse.

I made my way to the fair today braving these awful dog days of summer. For me, the best thing about the local fair is the sense of nostalgia it brings with it. I have lots of memories of fairs over the years. Going back is just like looking through an old photo album.

I wonder why they sell so many knives at fairs? After all, fairs attract scores of young people, most of whom are wrestling with their adolescent tendencies. Do you really need a knife at a fair? Is a fair Man VS Wild territory where a knife is absolutely essential kit? I'm not convinced, but I bought a butterfly knife at a fair a few years ago because...one never knows.

Being a carnival barker must be a lot of fun. Put me up on the dunking booth and dress me in a clown suit all day long. Personally, I would love to have free license to insult passers by. "Hey bald guy. Is that really your head? Hey...I thought I saw the girl you're with yesterday with another guy...a guy with hair."

Seems like fun.

I tried my hand at being a carnival barker today. Stepping up to a vendor booth, I made a concerted effort to convince the salesgirl to throw a ceramic frog at a wandering visitor for one dollar. Surprisingly, she was up for it. I ran into a bit of a hitch when she realized that she was paying me a dollar to throw her own frog. I managed to make things right, however, when I reminded her that she could trade up for another item she owned of greater value if she could knock someone over.

I am now ten dollars richer. And the vendor has been arrested. I confess...my game was rigged.

I dont bother riding the rides at a fair. It used to be fun riding the rides when I brought a date who was a bit of a day tripper. She recoiled in horror at the though of riding the ferris wheel. Without a date at my side, rides lose their inherent sex appeal. Again...you never know.

Who came up with the idea of giving out goldfish for game prizes at the fair? That sounds more like a college prank gone wrong. Live animal prizes? Can I win a cat or something? I'd rather win a pet I dont have to flush. I spent some quality time tracking down the cat booth...but never found it.

There is a new sport at the fair in which little kids ride sheep rodeo style. It's a genius idea and I waited around for hours trying to get a glimpse of this sort of thing. Back home in Texas, riding sheep got you into a whole lot of trouble with the ranch manager. At the fair, it seems like real entertainment value. I would have put the helmet on and tried it myself. But sheep are dangerous.

I always enjoy the exhibits where people can win prizes for art, photography, crafts, agriculture and the like. I keep my eye out for really good stuff...and really bad stuff. The rest is just a blur. I dont know what makes one tomato that much better than another, but I was impressed by little Angela Peter's 4th grade watercolor of prison life. The 4th grade is obviously as hard as I remember it to be.

The fair is the best place in the world to people watch. When it is 100 degrees in the shade, everyone walks around listlessly...eyes all squinty. Fairs bring me back to my youth because of all of the high school kiddos wandering about like groups of varsity undead. You can always tell when a kid is freshly dating a girl because they are wrapped around each other wherever they go. Its as if one of them is afraid to let go.

Hmm. Maybe I'm doing something wrong here! When I find a good girl I should......Squirrel~!!

Fair prizes really arent that cool. I have no place to put this colossal Scooby Doo. I wish they could just offer the prizes based on what you really wanted. For example...I would like some travel vouchers or some more guitar gear. A stuffed dog?? Really? Why?

Fairs are Heart of America kind of things. I honestly hope they never change. I'd be disappointed if the carneys showered or if the rides operated safely all the time. What's the world without a decent Ferris Wheel? I want a strongman hammer test. I want my weight guessed. And I feel better having had my future discerned by the professional palm reader reading 'Ladies Home Journal' in a tent.

I have no doubt that another visit to the fair is in my future sometime. You never can have enough ACDC posters after all.

...

CLutTeR

It is a widely held assertion that a person's environment is a kind of reflection of that person's inner self. As a psychologist myself, I tend to agree with this. But, as an example, you dont have to go to college to get a good idea of what's on a frat boys mind in his dorm room. Look around and you'll find a mini bar, ubiquitous beer posters with girls on them, a guitar in the corner and some unmentionables.

We all like to project our inner selves outwardly. So it's really quite telling when you take a look around someones home or office.

What brought this all to mind was sunlight. You see, I have a couple of large windows in my home office. Today after lunch I wandered into said office and paused at the door. I did a double take.

Bear in mind. I am a bit OCD when it comes to keeping things in their place. I like my lawn mowed. I like my kitchen clean. I insist on orderly living arrangements. And I even prefer tasteful decorative ambience.

I dont like clutter.

Every room in your pad is a kind of external compartmentalization of those congruent 'rooms' in your head. That being the case, my office represents my brain. And my brain is obviously a mess.

Some people are hoarders. They keep everything. That's not me. But I am in the idea business. I'm a designer, a writer, a musician and all that other stuff that requires a mental palette, an exacto knife...and hopefully a good eraser.

Lately, like some kind of mad creative scientist, I have been working on building a music studio into my office. It's a crazy idea. Im probably breaking laws or something. But I am compelled to mix my art with my work. Hmmm....where is Freud when I need him?

At any rate, I'm not in college anymore so the beer posters have been trumped by angels, travel art and glaring renaissance icons. I have a glass desk and a palm tree beside it. There's a Foster's surfboard lurking in the corner. Are those Japanese swords ever useful?

Most of the big stuff in my office, including my musical instruments, are neatly arranged. It's the stuff stacked on my desk that is particularly troubling. You see, I like to organize things I'm working on. Therefore, I have all of these folders and binders with my business stuff and art stuff in them. But I'm working on too many projects lately. So stuff is stacking up all over the place! I obviously am having trouble focusing!

If my office is my brain...then I just might need a therapist and a cleaning lady at the same time!

I'm really trying not to mix up my music stuff with my work stuff. That might just be disastrous! I'm sure one night I'll start playing some song on my guitar and find myself singing about point of sale, invoices and sku numbers. It's bound to happen.

Of course, life and art are inextricably joined together. Maybe I should write an album or something about supply, restaurants or bartending. The bartender album might actually be a good idea. Each song could be about a different drink, or a customer, or a piece of flair.

Perhaps, I could compose a bartender album of nothing but ballads. I'll name it...'Cock Tails.'

On second thought. That name might not be the best idea.

Gimme a second. I know that I have some good names buried under all of this somewhere. Let me look around for a minute...Hmm.

So that's where that went? I was looking for that.

I wonder if what's true for my office is true for my brain? Are some of my best ideas lost somewhere in my head never to be rediscovered? Can I, should I even dare, sift and sort through those musky old synapses? Am I paying storage fees!?

Are we all just mental hoarders, saving up useless memories that just get in the way more than anything? Or is the clutter around and inside of us just proof of life?

I prolly should just clean.

...